{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
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A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
hmm conte-me mais
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Never be a pizza!
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man