Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

TEETH IS INNOCENT

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon