abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
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[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
opening twitter today
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.