Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

😭😭

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.