Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

When a new bird species visits your bird feeder

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

🤣😂🤣😂

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*