Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice