About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
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She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
We all have our pet causes.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
This is not me but this is me
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.