Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

2019: starts making risotto

2021: almost done but not quite

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.