Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.

Cheers!

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.