About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Hello Twits.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”