About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
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I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Stop.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.