Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages

You see my problem here

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

Be the reason someone burns sage.

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.