About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
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My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
That de-escalated quickly
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
When you kidnap a writer.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Are you a cat person or a person person?