About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
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Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Terribly Tuesday.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I love twitter
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.