About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
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Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
me watching my own Instagram story
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
what it’s like dating me:
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*