about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
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WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
May never get over this
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.