About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
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a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
don’t message me unless you have this energy
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
All excellent questions
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Are you ok, human???
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”