Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

BETRAYAL

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.