About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
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Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.