About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
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THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I march to the beat of my own dumb
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”