About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
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I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
They did not miss in the small print
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Worth the read.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.