About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
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I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
This headline is a thing of beauty
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
bros in the example zone 😭
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?