About halfway through my wife's lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I'll never hear the end of it now.

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. I REPEAT. INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. HOLD THE DUCKFACES. HOLD THE MEALS. HOLD EVERYTHING.

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

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