About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
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Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other