About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

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My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.


I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.


In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super


NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]


First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.


I bet the Mayans made great boyfriends because they’re always wrong about everything.