Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
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Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
My favorite hobby is pretending to be surprised when my credit card is declined.
I don’t care if you stop reading after 80 characters. I’m using all 140, even if what I say makes no sense at all. Oh also, your mom’s a who
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
The girl I just showed off my Fitbit to thought I was really cool until she saw my heart rate increasing with every second she spoke to me