About halfway through my wife's lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I'll never hear the end of it now.

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

Down a flight of stairs.

That’s how I roll. 🙁

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.

I bet the Mayans made great boyfriends because they’re always wrong about everything.

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