My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
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Down a flight of stairs.
That’s how I roll. 🙁
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.
I bet the Mayans made great boyfriends because they’re always wrong about everything.