About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

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Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.


Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right


My favorite hobby is pretending to be surprised when my credit card is declined.


I don’t care if you stop reading after 80 characters. I’m using all 140, even if what I say makes no sense at all. Oh also, your mom’s a who


*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*


A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.


[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]


Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.


It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.


The girl I just showed off my Fitbit to thought I was really cool until she saw my heart rate increasing with every second she spoke to me