@JulianLeeComedy

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

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@ArfMeasures

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

@TheWadest

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

@1par8head

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

@Discourt

INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. I REPEAT. INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. HOLD THE DUCKFACES. HOLD THE MEALS. HOLD EVERYTHING.

@RickAaron

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

@BraandoCommando

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

@sara_ashlynn

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

@Shade510

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

@HiddenPinky

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers