Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

I can also cook 😂

Breaking news:

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.