About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
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“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.