Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.