@PickleRudd

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

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@Book_Krazy

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

@MelvinofYork

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

@daemonic3

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

@ObscureGent

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

@KimmyMonte

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

@BoogTweets

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

@RS3Feed

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

@CulturedRuffian

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

@Skinny_fatbloke

If you’re best man at your mates second wedding, after being best man at the first, is it ok to start my speech with “Welcome back everyone”??

@MichaelTrying

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”