What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
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Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Me: The beach.
Me: We should see other people.
If you’re best man at your mates second wedding, after being best man at the first, is it ok to start my speech with “Welcome back everyone”??
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”