“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
You Might Also Like
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Do you buy white shoes for your children or do you have common sense?
I like my food how I like my erotic asphyxiation: almost enough to kill me but not quite
This bathroom looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.