[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
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[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…