Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week

“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”

“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”

“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop