[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
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[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Animal poetry