[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
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coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.