Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

#DadJoke

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.