Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

Imagine having a party on purpose.

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

I finally found a reason to live again.

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?