Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?

Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.