About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
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As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
That’s commitment
I might give this a try 😏
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.