Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

😭😭😭

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.