Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”

The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.