About to form my very first opinion
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“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.