About to form my very first opinion
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6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
💀😭
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I like how “not my circus, not my monkeys” softly implies that you DO have a circus—perhaps even complete with monkeys—but this isn’t it
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
Hawk o the mornin tuah