About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
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Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
We all have our pet causes.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.