About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
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Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I saw nothing
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.