Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.