About to go for a run, because shoplifting
You Might Also Like
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
me linking you to my twitter
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.