Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

Guys, I found it.

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?

Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.

Therapist: That’s not very healthy…

Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷‍♀️

real

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand

Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

constantly working on myself.

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*