About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
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Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I want to meet the individual who made this
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.