Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.