About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
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I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.