About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
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I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
Sooo many times…..
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]