Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

A flock of dads is called a grill.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary