60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
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I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
this has done me in for some reason
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Is….Is this an option?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more