ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
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Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Mistakes were made
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah