Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant