[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
You Might Also Like
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.