[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
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My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I have questions??
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home