[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
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I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him: