Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.

Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US