[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
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If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?