Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.