{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
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[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.