Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.