[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
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I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
