[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
You Might Also Like
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,
Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”
When what on my new hat did appear,
But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!
The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,
I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.