replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
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My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
why would tinder want me to say this
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Thursday Thought.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.