I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[about to have sex]
WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?!
ME: *making balloon animals at work*
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sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
*Blows air in girls face like Nintendo cartridge*
“Ok, NOW will you go out with me?”
I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.