[about to have sex]
WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?!
[cut to]
ME: *making balloon animals at work*
[cut back]
ME: affair

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I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.


Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.


[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze


Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”


80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.


*Blows air in girls face like Nintendo cartridge*
“Ok, NOW will you go out with me?”


I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !


From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.