about to have the best blueberries of my life
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Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.