about to have the best blueberries of my life
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our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Has science gone too far?
