Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”