[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
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First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Watson was Holmes schooled
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.