[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
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The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.