[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

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(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.


5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.



5: How much blood?


Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.


I’d get lost less frequently if GPS would say “no, your other left.”


If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.


Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.