[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
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MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW