[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
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Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
